A funny thing happened the other day. I FINALLY booked a massage after being long overdue. I hadn’t seen my masseuse in a long time so naturally, she asked me how things were going. Well, honestly, I said, it’s pretty terrible. Oh yeah, she said, people say motherhood is hard. I said yes, people tell you it’s hard, but they don’t tell you it’s THIS hard. I said it’s isolating, lonely, monotonous, depressing, anxiety ridden and non stop. It’s 24/7 with no breaks. Ever. You’ll be more exhausted than you ever thought possible and yet you have to somehow garner the energy to do it all over again. Every day. Over and over and over and over again FORRREVVVVEEERRRRRR. After my 10 minute rant about how terrible motherhood was she quietly said sooooo… I’m pregnant.
The truth is, even if I had known she was pregnant from the beginning, it wouldn’t have changed the narrative. MOTHERHOOD IS FREAKING HARD MAN! So much harder than I ever could have imagined. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything, but I don’t love being a mother. And honestly, that’s ok. I kind of knew motherhood wasn’t for me. I spent 37 years of my life doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted so to say this has been an adjustment is a huge understatement. But that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m adjusting. Trying to take it one day at a time and not get consumed by it all.
I wanted to write this blog post not to come off ungrateful for my son or to complain about how awful motherhood is. But to normalize my feelings and the feelings of other mothers because I know I’m not alone. You can love your kids and not love everything motherhood entails. It truly is the hardest most ungrateful job ever and to all the moms that have come before me, including my own. I’M SORRY! I had no idea…
Thank-you to Andrea Ormiston for capturing these beautiful photos! Check out her Instagram —> Andrea Ormiston